Today in the mall, I was walking by a father and his son looking at stickers in a vending machine.
Son: Papa, can I one day grow up to be a princess as pretty as the princess I see here on this sticker?
Father: No, my boy, that’s for girls.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Normally I keep my head down and mind my own business, but sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe in, for what’s RIGHT.
Me: By that rationale your son will never fly because he doesn’t have wings.
Father: Well, I’d say that’s true.
Me: Ever hear of an airplane, pops?
Boom. The father was taken back.
Me: The only reason he can’t be a princess is because of close minded people like you.
By now a small crowd had gathered. They were munching on various mall snacks like popcorn and cotton candy and lattes. I leaned down to the little boy and said the following as I put two quarters into the machine, purchasing the princess sticker he so adored.
Me: You can grow up to be anything you want. If you want to be a princess, you only have to believe you can. You have to believe in yourself, and find a prince who is either gay or who you can trick into believing you’re a woman with an elaborate and comedic hoax. Then you can marry him and you’ll legally be a princess.
Boy: Thank you, kind sir. Nobody ever has stood up for me in this manner. You are truly an inspiration to everybody.
Me: And as for you, sir. You’re the lowest form of person. You’re just jealous that you’re not a princess.
The crowd cheered once again and threw their snacks on the Father. I took the son to the military recruitment center and they had the forms that allowed me to legally adopt him. (The crowd was following us all around the mall at this point, magnetized to my strong ethics and general do goodedness.) I then set the boy loose, knowing that he will do a better job raising himself than a tired old bigot (his father, not me) ever could.
Me: Live free or die!
One person began clapping. Then another, and another. A muscle man lifted me on his shoulders. They paraded me around the mall cheering “Inspiration! Inspiration!” The guy in the Foot Locker gave me a free pair of J’s. I began to feel like an animal, on display for all to see.