Not talking about the awesome cartoon which sadly, doesn’t hold up. The movies.

There’s an old robot in one of the movies, so he has a beard. His beard is made of metal.

That’s why we know he’s old. Because he has a beard. Forget this logic of beards signify age. Just FORGET IT.

So you’re telling me that when a transforming robot gets old, its metal pieces attach to its face like a beard. So it’s a conscious decision, I guess. I don’t know! Is it?

So this bearded robot is talking about the history of the transforming robots and none of it makes sense! They can fuse their bodies into some sort of rock blockade? Yes! Yes they can!

So, then, if you were old and you’re growing extra metal or whatever, you would choose to put it on your face? Yes! I guess! Why not? It’s a beard! It’s like when humans grow old. Right!? Yes! Old men have beards always!

So why don’t you use those extra metal pieces you either grew or redistributed to fucking shoot down the Decepticons? Those dudes are so awful. Also… why are there so many flying Decepticons and not very many Autobots? Is it because kids like trucks more than jets? NO. I fucking love jets! Why don’t the good guys fly like jets???

Shia LeBooiadffff! Who cares! They get to earth and pick what they want to transform into?? What? FUCK. Honestly. They get to choose!? Then why transform at alllllll? Just be robots and fuck up humans, am I right? What’s the point? I hate you! I hate you, modern incarnation of something that never raised these questions when I was young! They’re just robots that transform into shit! Right? They shouldn’t be able to choose, Dipshit McBee should be a car. Fuckatron should be a gun. No choosing. Choosing makes it suck!

And now the movie is over. And I didn’t understand any of it, because I was thinking about this asshole’s beard and how they can just choose whatever the fuck - “I want to be a nuclear bomb! I’ll be that!” Thanks a lot, fucknut whoever the fuck dipshit. FUCK.

C+