I am writing to inform you why I missed the Initial Assistance Workshop (IAW) I was selected to attend to help me plan my job search and shorten the time I remain out of work.

Unfortunately (?) I had a job interview during the time I was mandated to attend this workshop. A job interview is a meeting where you meet with a potential employer in order to become employed and shorten the time you remain out of work.

I tried numerous times to let you know I couldn’t attend, both on edd.gov.ca (impossible, it can’t be done) and also by calling 800-300-5616. I didn’t even have to look that phone number up. I’ve called it so many times I have it memorized. I’ve called it so many times because getting through to a representative is akin to winning a radio call in contest. I don’t even need to hear the automated prompts anymore.

If you call and you hear a “Thank you…” just hang up right then, you can’t even use the automated system. But if you hear a “Welcome…” you’re in luck. Quick! Dial (1) for English. “For information—” (6) “For general—” (7) “To update —” (3) “You will be trans—” (SSN) “The number you—” (1).

Congratulations, you’ve navigated the automated system in record time. You’ve also called at exactly 8am, so there’s no way anyone else will have already gotten through.

The system will tell you to hold for the next available representative, at which point it will immediately tell you there are too many callers and hang up on you. Believe me. I’ve called so many times I wouldn’t lie. Getting through to unemployment is a full time job.

But I digress. That’s not your fault. California is broke and here I am asking for a subsidy! I understand that there are people in the world who will cheat the system and do anything possible to continue getting paid without getting a job. But I think they are the exception to the rule. The rule being: When you dont have a job, you feel like a worthless piece of shit, and it’s also sort of boring just sitting around all day reading people’s iPhone autocorrect mishaps.

The point is, I didn’t miss the workshop because it sounded like a massive retarded waste of my time, (As a writer, I would have loved to attend the appointment if only to get new hilarious material) I missed the workshop because instead of learning about how to get a job, I was out trying to get a job. Me, getting a job, got in in the way of you, teaching me how to get a job.

I’m not a child. I’m not trying to “skip school.” I shouldn’t need this “note from my doctor.” But your bureau is set up this way, so here it is. My letter of excuse. I hope that you find it adequate and will see fit to continue providing me with my unemployment benefits. (I passed on the job. Too many weekend hours.)

Sincerely,
Wade Randolph